Prologue
A novel written by a wandering minstrel who witnessed the events that took part during the famous carnival in Tyrol Kingdom in the year 1347.
Hey hey hey you beautiful people!
Welcome!
The page has been turned!
Wherever you are, please make
yourself comfortable and let me
take you on a little journey.
But first! Let me introduce
myself khe khe…
Your most humble storyteller
that will take you on a tale that
traverses through space and time,
kingdoms and Empires, up the sky
and beyond the seas! A person of
many unofficial titles!
But known the best as…
The Wandering Minstrel
I have witnessed lots of shitty
stories in my time, but the story
of Royal Fools was the shittiest
of them all…
In the merry long ago there was
a Kingdom named Tyrol.
Tyrol was the most ancient and
magnificent kingdom in the whole
Southern Region.
Citizens of Tyrol were living their
regular happy life, preparing for
the annual Tyrol’s carnival.
The sky was blue, the grass was
green, the weather was beautiful.
Everything was ready for the
carnival. The guests arrived,
the townspeople gathered, and the
artists were preparing for their
performances.
An atmosphere of pure joy,
happiness and celebration was
lingering in the air.
Even some itinerant artists, Royal
Fools as they call themselves, were
invited to perform on the carnival.
Despite the fact that their
performances were…
flabbergasting to say the least.
They were not musicians, acrobats
or Talesmen. Neither were they a
circus that performed with trained
animals. They were simply Fools.
But these Fools found it insulting
that the local celebrity Bob was put
as the headliner, and not them…
So they decided to make their
own take on this beautiful event.
The town’s hall ‘lost & found’ board was designated to be the carnival’s line up schedule.
Following was displayed on it: Fool’s execution- warm up A dragon’s fiery show- lowbie Live Witch burning- Morgana The dopest Mage Magic- Mrlean Royal Fools’ live performance Bob’s comedy show- Headliner
The king’s advisor begged him
to make The Royal Fools the
headliner, but the King disagreed
opting to trust the local talent.
The advisor insisted, but the King
remained adamant.
He warned the King that his
decision will come back to haunt
him. Furious, The King ordered
for the Advisor to be locked in
the dungeons to reflect on his
blasphemy.
It was the day of the carnival. The crowd at the square were hyped for the excitement to come. Flyers, posters and carnival trinkets were decorated all over the arena. The audience were waving banners and singing their favorite ballads in joy. The stage was being set for the opening ceremony of the carnival, the fool's execution.
'Fools' execution was an old and
ancient tradition in these lands.
This was to use the blood of a sinner
as a sacrifice to appease and pray
for the blessings of the gods.
The most heinous criminal or villain
was usually chosen as the 'lucky'
sacrifice. However, due to the ever
growing corruption even innocents
were convicted wrongly and
sometimes became 'lucky'.
Such was the case this time.
After coincidentally meeting with
the to-be sacrifice and determining
him to be a wrongly convicted
innocent, fools saw this as both an
opportunity to earn some good
karma by saving him and also
play a little prank on the executioner.
Fool was led up the stage, head
covered with a sack and both
hands and feet bound with hemp
rope.
The guards pulled him
along like an unwilling child at
the dentist's.
In the middle of the stage there
was an executioner with a massive
axe set up. The guards led
the 'lucky' sacrifice to kneel
and placed his neck on the
wooden stump.
Fool’s execution
Watching the proceedings with a crazed fervor in his eyes, perhaps imagining the moment when the convicts neck would become acquainted with the blade, the host let out a chuckle and turned towards the audience.
After a brief speech that consisted
him listing out all the offensive
pranks committed by the fool, and
reiterating the importance of
following tradition, the host
commanded to start the performance.
With the words "Nothing personal,
that's just for the show" executioner
swung his axe on a direct course
for the smooth, tanned neck of
the sacrifice. He could almost
imagine the river of blood that
would erupt.
Unfortunately, his imaginations
were cut short with the sound of
the brick hitting executioner’s head…
Out of nowhere the other fool jumps
out of a window and throws a
brick at executioner’s head
screaming "Fool for fool, forever fool".
The executioner misses and cuts
his ear off instead…
Crowd watched in shock as the
giant blade failed to penetrate the
body of the convict.
Lowbie dragon’s
fire show
Next in thy line up! A fearsome beast who’s going to perform a fire show! It’s going to be fire! Please welcome on stage! Lowbieeee draaaaagon! Wait wait wait… Something is wrong… Where is thys green beast…
Dragon is acting weird, saying
unintelligible stuff:
My lean cost more than your rent,
ooh (It do)
Your momma still live in a tent,
yuh (Brr)
Still slangin' dope in the 'jects,
huh? (Yeah)
Me and my grandma take meds,
ooh (Huh?)
Looks like thy fools have sabotaged
another performance by pouring some
purple drank mixture into dragon’s
kerosine…
Anyways… Witch burning is
next!While the peasants are
gathering firewood for the
performance.
We advise you to stock up on
camping fuel. Because today!!!
We'll burn this damn witch!!!
Welcometh!
Beautiful people of Tyrol!
Everything is set for our next
performance! Wood is ready,
ropes are tight…
Yahoo - ee - you! Time to Die!
Witch burning
What happened next is guards set thys disgusting creature on fire. She was laughing in them and cursing. Two fools standing in the crowd jumped on stage and started putting out the fire by peeing on it. Witch broke free. Burnt, lame smelling like a public toilet she was gone…
Thy fools have sabotaged another performance… But don’t worry! MrLean will put on an epic magic show!
Mrlean, the dopest
mage magic
Ladies and gentlemen! Legends say our next performer is the strongest mage that the world has ever seen… He’s mastered alchemy, ice and fire magic. Now he terrifies his opponents with slightly warm dank mixtures.
Looks like we are witnessing a couple of runes got added into Mrlean’s manuscript. Let’s see what comes of it…
The story of
Non-binary knight.
This is a story about a fearsome
gladiator, sensual lover and a strong
personality which is legendary in
Tyrol and far beyond.
This story is about sir/ma’am,
Non-binary knight.
He did not obey any rules, because he was created to break them. After the death of his master, the servant decides on a desperate adventure. The young man manages to change his bloodline.
Having appropriated the armor and weapons of the gone master, appears before the public as a young and well-born knight in the kingdom of Tyrol.
Now, in a new role, he will have to prove his noble origin at knight tournaments with a spear and a sword.
Non-binary knight’s courage and determination have been tempered in countless battles.
But as a final trial, a passionate love was sent to the ardent heart of a great warrior, which can knock the most intrepid gladiator out of the saddle…
He was blinded by his desire for
perfection. He believed that man
is the crown of God’s creation,
so he developed not only his body,
but also his mind.
And to achieve divine perfection,
he saw no obstacles. Sometimes
his pursuit of the ideal went too far…
To achieve the ideal of his goal,
he even went to the plague doctor…
The king’s advisor begged him
to The knight was able to achieve
his goal.
He became a fearless gladiator,
no opponent could resist before
his rubber sword.
His latex armor radiated nobility
and inspired hope.
Many philosophers could envy
his thinking abilities, and his
subtle nature and appearance
broke more than one woman’s
heart… Or man’s…
He became the most respected
knight in the kingdom and
the King entrusted him with the
most dangerous tasks, which he
easily coped with alone.
After he’s defeated all the enemies
and completed all the main
quests in Tyrol, all he was left
with is constant Princess rescue
side quests hung on the town’s
hall lost & found board.
He craved to fight tough enemies, monsters. But instead he had to save Princess Pulcinella who had a complex nature…
-The princess is in trouble,
I came to your rescue!
-Hey dork, who called you here at all?
You think I can’t take care of myself?
*hits Lowbie dragon*
Did you come to save me because
I’m a woman?
A stupid, helpless woman?
Do you know who I need to be
saved from? From you chauvinist
men who tell us what to do and
how to live!
Ugh…
Such was a fate of a fearless
gladiator, sensible lover, a noble soul.
Non-binary knight.
Prince Fiendevald kingdom trips
The story of Prince Fiendevald
begins! Legend says that his
favourite shoemaster been arrested
for selling drugs.
He’s been lacing since then.
He used to have lots of friends, most
of them lived in his imagination.
-Hey crab!
*crab thoughts*
“how does this guy know my name?”
The Prince says:
-”What a great day for the beach,
right?”
*crab is paranoid*
“how did he find out my address?”
Despite his lavish life and all
kinds of addictions, Prince
Fiendevald was famous for the
feat when he single-handedly
defeated an entire village of goblins!
Being in a state of drug intoxication,
he was walking through the forests
and accidentally came across a
goblin settlement.
The goblins were very pleased
with the uninvited guest.
Tired of eating only burgers, they
decided to make soup out of the
young Prince.
After finding a bundle of unidentified
substances in his fanny pack,
they decided to add it’s contents
to the soup to make it extra spicy.
After adding Prince’s spices, the
flavors of the rich broth began to
cloud the goblins’ consciousness,
they could not resist and decided
to try it. Feeling the lightness in
the legs and dizziness, the goblins
began to shout something in their
own language:
ₐₐₐₐₐₐₐᵤᵤᵤᵤᵤGGGₕₕₕₕₕ gₒbbₗᵢₙₛ gₒbₗᵢₙₙₛ
GₒBₗᵢₙₙₙₙₙₙₙₙₙₛ wₑₖₘ ₜₐ gₒbₗᵢₙₜₒwₙ ₒₕ.
cᵣᵤₛₜybᵤₜₜ dₐ gₒbₗᵢₙₖᵢₙg ₛₐy Gₑₑ ₑₘₘₘ
DₑDⱼₑₙ ᵣᵤₜₛ ₐₙ qᵤₑₑₙᵢₑ ₛₐₐy ₕₗₗₒ ₛWₑₐₜᵢₑₛ ₒₖ
Afterwards they decided to lie down to rest, but never woke up. The broth turned out to be too extra spicy for them. After getting out of his inprisonment and seeing the goblins lying on the ground, the prince was upset that they did not invite him to the feast.
He took the goblin king’s scepter, from which he decided to make a crack pipe, goblin’s King crown for the drip and went to the kingdom to tell the king about his exploits.
Prince Fiendevald had a very friendly nature and many friends. Apart from his dealer, who was a local shoemaker and was arrested for making defective shoes, most of them lived in his head. They used to hang out together a lot and always had a good time.
The prince had his favorite dog, whose name was Precious. One day they were walking and she ran away, he went in search of her in the forest. Being under various substances and in a state of drug intoxication, he found his dog.
He treated her with her favorite
toy and returned back to the
kingdom. Arriving there, this dog
turned out to be not what the
Prince saw. It was a breasted
mutan dog, possibly a creation
of not certified plague doctor.
Locals were shocked, and the
Prince was enjoying his time
with her, suspecting nothing.
Precious remained missing since
that day.
Adventures of Mrlean
and yung lean
The story of Prince Fiendevald
ended where being in a state of drug
intoxication, he found his lost dog
Precious. Which turned to be not
his dog but a breasted monster
that terrorised locals.
Adventures of Mrlean start one
day when he and his apprentice yung
lean were studying dank alchemy.
One day this terrifying creature
ran from Prince. While Mrlean
and yung lean were studying dank
alchemy, this creature climbed into
the window smelling fumes of the
dope mixtures. Yung lean warned
Mrlean that this creature was
Prince’s pet but it was too late…
Mrlean used his most powerful spell which happened to be the book slam and destroyed the monster.
After realising what has happened and what consequences these folks might witness, Mrlean and yung lean decided to go to the tawern to think on how they can cover the tracks of their crime.
Yung lean got too wasted the
other night so Mrlean left him
tripping in Ginseng. He decided to
open abyss portal and send
monster’s corpse straight to
HELL! On his way to hell he’s
met dmons.
They shouted at him:
“You shall not pass!”
-“Hmmm… That’s my phrase
actually” – replied Mrlean.
He moved on. Carrying the corpse of the monster in his scuffed cart.
Before going to hell, Mrlean was trying to reanimate monster using reverse spell from his book. It didn’t work out. He even tried to get answers on Royal Fools’ discord server
Clout Queen, story of a self made woman
Clout Queen calls herself selfmade. Before becoming Queen she used to be a designer, influencer, musician and charged 20$ per month for OnlyPeasants subscription. She didn’t forget her roots after. King and Queen met each other at afterparty and fell in love.
Since King was at his middle age crisis he relieved his inner pain drinking, abusing substances and partying with women. Which obviously disappointed Clout Queen. She stood her ground and from times to times met with her good old friend Leo DickUprio.
She used to date with Leo DickUprio when she was young. But he decided to brake up with her when she turned 25. The remained good sex friends. One time King caught her cheating with Leo in his bed.
Overall Clout Queen had a pretty successful webcam career and definitely profitable marriage with Middle age crisis King.
King’s middle life crisis
King was having a lot of thoughts in his head leading to his middle life crisis. His wife was a woman of easy morals, his power in kingdom was shaky and kings of nearby kingdoms laughed at him. So from time to time he was abusing alcohol and substance, finding meaning of his life.
King tried to find success in
different businesses such as
croakaine production for example.
But he got scammed by some fools.
One day his advisor came up to him
and advised to invest his money in
FTT token .
King ordered to bring him Sam
Bankman to negotiate the deal.
Guards found Sam Bankman in
the deep and wild forests of Tyrol
and brought him to the King.
He was very intrigued and excited
to see what Sam Bankman is
about to offer. They talked about
great investment opportunities in
FTT token. King saw great
potential in this he’s never seen.
Finally, King will reach his life goals, become successful monarch and get rid of his middle life crisis. Other kings will envy him!
So by the advice of Sam Bankman
Middle age crisis King invested
all his money in FTT token and
became… a crypto trader
What could go wrong?
You might have thought that the
King has become a successful crypto
trader.
But no.
He didn’t make it.
His funds have gone.
Bob’s journey to become a celebrity
In his youth, Bob studied at a
secondary church school, his mentor
was hangover priest.
He was not inclined to learn.
He always wanted to be a
performance artist. And one day,
Bob decided to show his talents to
Priest. Priest did not appreciate it
and kicked him out of school.
Bob tried to find himself in different fields of activity. He even got on twitch and played a popular foolish card game. He tried to become as successful as his favourite streamer DeemaFast
Bob didn’t succeed as a streamer cause he sucked at every game he played. So instead of playing cards he decided to collect them. He invested all his money from donations into NFTs. But as practice shows he didn’t succeed in that as well…
After being a complete failure at
everything he does, Bob attended
Tyrol’s got talent show.
It was a disaster.
No one liked his jokes. Except King.
He laughed so hard that Bob became
King’s favourite performer and a
headliner of every future event
hosted in Tyrol.
Hope that you remember events that
took place during Tyrol’s carnival.
After finding success in stand up
comedy, Bob was invited as a headliner.
Notorious, so called Royal Fools were
very disappointed by that fact.
Bob in the mean time was polishing his
act and practicing all day
As Bob made his appearance on
the stage during carnival, fools
started heckling him, throwing stuff
and make everything possible to
mess up his performance.
As a victim of their mockery,
sensitive Bob couldn’t held it and
ran away to his dressing room.
No one seen him since then.
to be continued...
